Our hero, Akira McCloud (half Japanese, half Scottish) works his way through the seedy underbelly of New Fresno’s “Orange Light District” (Bob’s house of lights, New Fresno’s only supplier of incandescent bulbs, has been short on red bulbs for years…). He is in search of his contact who claims to possess a solution to health issues ranging from neurodegeneration to dry elbows.
Akira proceeds with panther-like stealth, despite the bag-pipes he will need for a child’s birthday party he will work later that evening (he has a righteous side-gig as Akira The Clown). Rounding a corner, Akira spots a disheveled man in a trench coat. Not only does this fit the supposed description of his contact, but it is a testament to this individuals commitment…or fanaticism. New Fresno is a balmy 114*F. Akira approaches cautiously and when close enough to whisper to the suspected contact Akira utters the code that will prove the strangers connection to this underground health network, or launch Akira into a battle for his life…
Akira: “The penguin flies low over Paraguay.”
Contact: “Could they pick anything longer than that for a code?”
Akira: “That’s not the response.”
Contact: “Ok, ok…Popcorn”
Akira: “What do you have for me?”
Contact: “I have one of the most powerful health promoting substances known to humanity. Flour from this substance can be used in delicious gluten free baking. The Oils, which are rich in medium chain triglycerides, can be used internally to produce a state of ketosis which may improve a host of neurodegenerative diseases, or the oil may be used externally to help with your scaly-ass elbows (Akira self consciously covers his pseudo-reptilian elbows). The aqueous fraction of this wunder-product (pronounced mit German accent) is the same osmolarity as human plasma, perfect for hydration. Finally, the sweetener obtained from this panacea is extremely low on the glycemic index.”
Akira: “You DO know that a low GI sweetener denotes a high fructose content, yes? Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease anyone?”
Contact: “Really man? I rattle off all this great stuff and you focus on THAT? I bet you are a ton of fun at parties.”
Akira: “I play the bagpipes, so any party I go to, I am the main attraction. But we are getting off track. All of this sounds interesting, I mean aside from fructose ruining my liver, what is this product? And I’m dyeing of thirst in this heat, how about hooking me up with some of that isotonic-aqueous-medium-stuff?”
The contact scans the alley, and when he is confident no one is looking, he opens his trench-coat in a flash, revealing two huge, hairy…coconuts.
Akira: “Oh, kripes! You could warn a guy you are going to do that!”
Contact: “Sorry man, when I open the coat quickly it creates a nice draft. So, yea, this is the Wunder-Product…coconuts. Huge medicinal potential to the oil, both internally and externally. The flour is fantastic in baked goods, the sugar…yea, ok, skip that, and the coconut water is delicious and hydrating.”
Akira: “Why do you have the coconuts strapped to your stomach? Doesn’t that make the coconut water hot?”
Contact: “Yea, I like this stuff body temperature or above. If you want to try some I have two straws taped to my back. Please just be careful, that tape is hell on my back-hair…”
So…now you know why I do not dabble in fiction!
Here’s the deal:
Thrive Market and I are looking to promote some products that we really believe in, and this month that product is Nutiva Coconut oil. So, instead of generating some kind of schlock ad-copy extolling the virtues of coconuts, you got an installment from the ongoing adventures of Akira McCloud (say that in your head, or out loud, with a good Scottish accent and your day will improve immeasurably). If you are not familiar with Thrive Market, you can read about them here. Thrive Market carries a host of coconut products, but coconut oil is (IMO) perhaps the most universally applicable. We use this stuff with our cooking, on our hands and elbows and just about head to toe on wiggling babies after a bath.
The stuff is the Shizz.
This month we have a contest in which the Grand Prize is a 1-year free membership + a $500 shopping spree to Thrive Market. We will also have twenty 2nd prize winners who will win 1-year free memberships to Thrive Market. You are automatically entered when you sign up, even if you are one of those crafty early-adopter types and already signed up for Thrive Market, just go through that sign-up process to be entered. The contest runs until Midnight PST, Tuesday, May 12th.
In our next episode, Akira struggles with his mixed-racial identity: Can one incorporate Haggis and Sushi in fusion cooking and not get arrested?