They say when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade – but what if you don’t have sugar or water?? And what if life isn’t ‘giving’ you lemons but it’s shooting them at you with a freaking potato gun? There you are bruised and thirsty. So you just pick up a damn lemon and start sucking on it for lack of better options. And all this does is give you a stomachache and erodes the enamel on your teeth – yeah, super positive… So, while you’re sitting there sucking on that lemon you realize that the people firing the ‘lemon gun’ don’t really give a damn and they seem to have an endless supply of lemons. Well, this has pretty much been the story of my life for the past nine months.
This thing called life, well, it happened and for a good long while it wasn’t awesome fun times. My job (that I recently resigned from) was SUPER stressful (READ: Shit on my head every single day for about 8 months…) and to tell you that I handle stress well would be similar to when Bill Clinton told the country, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” And I may be a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them. Yeah, I pretty much have the coping skills of an 11 year old. I say that because the age of 11 is when I first got ‘sick’ with the eating disorder that has plagued my life for the past 25 years (damn, I’m getting old…). To put it simply, I’ve got pretty much one way that I deal with things and that ‘way’ isn’t exactly productive or healthy.
So… As painful as this is to write, it needs to come out. It’s not like I set out for this to happen and I’m not gonna lie, it blindsided me too. I was still talking regularly with my doctor, although it was much harder with the chaos that was my life, and although there were signs, I kept telling myself that I was ‘okay’. I HAD to be okay – I could NOT be going down this road AGAIN. Every single day, I told myself that ‘today will be different’, that I would change my destructive course. And every single day, that commitment lasted about 20-30 solid minutes. Once the shit storm of work started, my best laid plans went right down the drain. Work became my priority and my health and sanity took the backseat. I kept thinking that once work calmed down things would go back to ‘normal’. Well, unfortunately nothing calmed down – there was no break. I spent most of my days feeling like I was going to throw up (because that’s what stress does to me) and unable to breath (anxiety from hell). I was drowning and no one would throw me a life preserver or even a damn floaty. I was on the edge of a breakdown and I couldn’t see a way out. Things just kept getting worse. There was a point where I just laughed when the latest new crisis emerged – it was that or cry and I had no more tears. Every day when I got out of my car at work (I was covering a full-time RD position and trying to do my real job at the same time…) I asked myself if today was the day I was going to either quit or have a nervous breakdown. I needed one of the two to happen – but I wasn’t that lucky and I just kept coping the only way I knew how… And we all know how that played out. Again, NOT POSITIVE – not even a little bit.
I talked to my parents and told them I couldn’t do it anymore – they saw what was happening, but felt I needed this job, or A JOB in general. The overall consensus was that quitting this job without a new one in place was a bad idea. I tend to be a ‘people pleaser’ (SHOCKER), so I hung on – even though it was destroying me. My dad confronted my weight one morning at breakfast and I was straight-up. I told them I was struggling and that the stress was too much. My dad looked at me and said, “What does stress have to do with this?” He still didn’t get it. My eating disorder has NEVER been about food or exercise and the “all you have to do is eat/stop exercising” is NOT the ultimate solution. I couldn’t make him understand that my destructive coping mechanism was, in some ways, the only thing that kept me going – even though it was killing me. I wanted my parents to get it and the fact that they didn’t (and might never ‘get it’) hurt(s) like hell. But it is what it is and I kept going. I knew at some point either everything would calm down OR I would end up breaking down. Either way – it would end at. The only question was, how long would it take?
Finally in June, my three new-hire RD’s started and things chilled out for about three-seconds. I found a local therapist that’s also an RD. I NEEDED to talk to someone that would listen to me and help me. I needed to hear that I wasn’t crazy and that I was going to be okay. I needed to start taking care of me again. I started looking for a new job because I came to the realization that things were never going to settle down for any length of time at my current gig from hell. And FINALLY, at the end of September I found that new job and gave my 30-day notice. I’m finishing out my “sentence” as I write this (if anyone from my company happens to be reading this, I am writing it on a Sunday and I will be working on work things later, so don’t worry I’m not abusing your time…).
I’m taking care of me again. During a recent appointment with my therapist I asked her if I would ever be free from this eating disorder hell. She was honest with me. She told me that I was likely ‘one of those cases’ that would always struggle and that I will always have to fight to stay on top of it. I will never just be ‘normal’. But it’s okay, I’m a fighter and I will NOT let ED win. For me, recovery is not some destination I will likely ever reach – but I’m not going to give up. I won’t stop moving. We only get one shot at this life thing and if I’m completely honest –my brain tells me that I suck at it (life, that is), although my therapist and my mom tell me I don’t (but I pay my therapist and my mom might be a little biased…). One thing I know for sure though is that my suckiness and struggles have helped me help a lot of people. So, I’m going to keep trying to get it right and hopefully change some more lives in the process. An eating disorder might be in my genes, but giving up isn’t.
This is my struggle. Know that regardless of how awesome anyone’s life appears on social media, a blog or in-person – everyone has ‘junk’ and it is totally okay to not be okay and to admit that. You are not alone and there are people that understand. I know I’m a little slow to the game and it took me about 6 months to call myself out on my shit – but I did it and you can too. Own it and FIGHT IT like you’ve never fought. Every day, wake up with determination, commit to the fight. Some days you will lose and that’s okay, those are the days that we learn from and the journey is NEVER perfect or without bumps, twists and turns. Other days YOU WILL WIN. Celebrate every victory and know that by not giving up or giving in – you are winning the fight.
Hang in there Amy. Anyone who doesn’t have an eating disorder is almost incapable of understanding one.
Thank you for your honesty and bravery. I can’t imagine being in your shoes and have nothing but compassion for what you are living through.
Thank you so much!! It’s this struggle that makes me good at what I do, so if I can help people through it – I’ll take it and I’m gonna FIGHT LIKE HELL!! 🙂
Amy,
I don’t have an eating disorder but stress is a significant issue with my health. A couple trouble shooting factors to keep in mind.
– Get your thyroid checked, or rechecked. I am on the thinner side, like you, and I find that whenever my thyroid meds are off (high or low), I feel awful for weeks before getting checked, and then find out that my numbers are bad. I am a thin hypothyroid person. It happens. Just a small degree of being off on my meds makes a huge difference.
– Do you try or use any magnesium supplementation? I particularly love Epsom salt baths, for relaxation. You can get pure Epsom salt (no fragrances) at Super Target (green/white bags) for just over $3 for 4 pounds. I use a half a bag per soak. It’s very helpful. I add some hippie bubble bath for effect.
– My sleep quality is much higher if I eat early and stop eating before I go to bed. Were that I followed this more often.
– I’ve had tremendous success with boosting neurotransmitters with high quality B-complexes from Thorne. Just their basic B-complex is pretty substantial (maybe too much, even!). Walking also helps me clear my mind pretty well.
– Prayer and meditation can be very helpful. I would suggest the Douay-Rheims (drbo.org) bible for the richness of the English language, starting with the Gospels. Re-reading the Raising of Lazarus can be very inspirational and is a key point to one of my favorite pieces of literature by Dostoevsky.
Best wishes to you.
Amy! awesome write up that almost every american can relate to. We all struggle with this; and it is nice to know we are not alone. People can get more out of this, than grinding away at cardio or counting the exercise hours it will take to work off their diet
slip up.
Amy…girl, you are still my Shero! Thank you for sharing your challenges and pain. Your transparency is remarkable and will help so many others, including me, who feel they always have to be okay and put on that fake brave face. I miss you oodles and pray God’s best for you!
Dana!!! You are the best! Thank you so much for the prayers. And, it really is okay, to not be okay even for rock stars like us. 😉
Moving writing clear, and I’m glad you got free!
It reminded my of the life-huge “learning” I got (at age 39!), after way way way “over-giving” (to a man who was happy to “over-take”), I came to my senses and quit giving to him (ha. he finally took too much?! Like, maybe your job was doing to you?). AND I realized that I was ‘acting out’ my daddy issue: “if only” I could “give enough” — when then I’d be loved/lovable… Turned out (I FINALLY saw!) that instead of being this selfish, ungiving, stingy person I *believed* I was (cause poor daddy had a hole in HIM that couldn’t be filled either), I realized that I was WILDLY generous and giving (and warm and wonderful!). I even finally saw that I was actually quite maternal (who knew?!), and — this is the most important bit: my friends did not love me because of what I DID (or could DO) for them — they loved me cause I was/am pretty damned wonderful!!
I may be ‘resonating’ on a different version of your story — but it never hurts to take a look at your ‘parent’ issues. My parents loved us kids (we’re all three broken in our own ways…), and did the best they could at ‘growin’ us up to be the best we could be’ — but they had no idea (nor did we) that, “it’s nice you got a B, dear, but an A would be better” could (did) lead to: “you’re not good enough.”
Over-giving (in relationship, in family, in work) leads to resentment — or SELF-resentment… Learning to draw and OBSERVE boundaries is a necessary part of growing into health! And part of that is WE need to learn to stay inside our own boundaries, because it’s not just others who trespass; a lot of it is WE ignore our own boundaries and needs to ‘minister’ to others. (That ‘white knight’ thing — most unfortunate!)
Good on yer for finally attending to yourself!
Just sending you my love and understanding Amy!
Thanks Chuck, that means a lot and things are looking up! 🙂
Amy sorry to hear about your struggles. Have you considered a program like overeaters anonymous? It’s a 12 step program for all types of eating disorders.
Amy I know the stress you have had with work. Your bravery is as big as your heart. Every day is a brand new day and you are in charge of your own destiny. I am glad we met through work but always a silver lining with every storm.
Heidi,
You are awesome and you’re right, there is always a silver lining. I am SO glad to have met you and to be able to call you my friend. Thank you for being you. 🙂
Hey Amy, I just stumbled across this and had to chime in. Thank you for being so real. I love the way you write…humorous and very relatable. This post will be helpful to so many people. I used to suffer from pretty bad anxiety, and it got much worse when I was a raw vegan. Transitioning to a whole food/paleo lifestyle (which I did at first to help my skin) helped my anxiety tremendously. Also getting up early enough for some “quiet time” of prayer/mediation/affirmations every day. Would love to hear how you are doing now!!!