The only thing I can see as a “starting factor” to my eating disorder is that I began taking birth control about the same time and started dealing with depression off and on. I have been battling with bulimia, bingeing and purging, since I was 19. Now, almost 32, I look back and wonder how this ever became a sickness, an addiction. I am doubtful that anyone that suffers with any form of addiction ever planned on it becoming a full-blown addiction.
To begin with, I would purge once in a while, not every day. Sometimes a few months would go by and it wouldn’t cross my mind. After I got married in 2002, I hit a terribly rough spot where I was bingeing and purging a few times a day. My face was constantly puffy, my back hurt all the time, my sleep patterns were totally erratic and I was constantly exhausted. My periods were irregular and the doctors kept switching my birth control. Gradually I kept gaining weight. (On a side note, I decided to stop taking the pill altogether.)
I thought that I could lose some weight if I did the “Wild Rose Detox”. I went to naturopaths and secretly hoped that they would put me on a restrictive diet that would help me lose weight and figure out what was “wrong” with me. I tried restricting calories and living on the vegetable soup diet or fat free yogurt and rice cakes. Nothing worked and my eating disorder spiraled deeper and deeper to the point where I would realize at the end of the day that all I did was continually eat and throw up. I would go to bed crying and wake up and start crying again. What a waste of my life!
After a few years of “experience” being bulimic, I started to realize the worst things for me were: Hormones….I went on fertility meds thinking we could get pregnant that way….holy, BIG mistake, the worst bout of bulimia and depression hit. I vowed to never touch anything that would affect my hormones, and my brain, that way again, processed cereals, toast with honey or jam or, well, toast in general, and peanut butter. Even fruit, if I had 1 apple, peach, banana, whatever, I would have at least 4 in one sitting. It’s nothing for me to plow through a “club pack” of cereal in 2 days, or a 10-pound watermelon in the same amount of time. Don’t even start with me about fresh baking….or stale baking for that matter. It didn’t even matter if I liked the taste of what I was eating or if I enjoyed anything about it. I just ate ‘til I was beyond full, painfully so, but still craving more, then I would purge and start
over immediately.
I had times where I would have muscle spasms for days, my heartburn was so bad I swore I was turning into a dragon (my husband probably thought that too because I was a snappy, miserable beast), swollen lymph nodes, sweating hot flashes, and blind spots of light would flash in my eyes “for some strange reason”. My teeth have horrible acid-wear and it’s only a matter of time, I’m sure, ‘til they start to cost me a fortune. I had “weird things wrong that I didn’t understand” because I lied and covered up what I was doing, these were just “unexplained health issues”. I was, and am still, ashamed and embarrassed.
In 2008 I started a new journey, so to speak, in bodybuilding. Since I was a kid I always remember being in awe of anyone with muscles. I was never into athletics and “working out” always meant taking step aerobics and bodyweight group classes 3 times a week. I hadn’t the slightest clue where to start but I met a former National competitor at my gym and he said he would help me, gave me a workout program and eating plan. This was more of what I considered an “old-school” regime, but it worked;
Traditional bodybuilding weight routines, at least 30 minutes of cardio 6 days a week, and a high carb, very low fat meal plan, calories in/calories out. I was able to stick to the eating quite well most of the time but as time went on I started to binge and purge every few days, usually just once at night. Overall I thought I had found my “cure”.
After my first 2 shows (only one week apart), I started to “fall apart” so to speak. I was afraid of fat. I was still living on oatmeal and egg whites, chicken breast, fat free yogurt, rice cakes, skim milk, and Splenda. My sleep fell to shit again and my muscle and strength gains came to a screeching halt. Not only that, I was getting my “old shape” back with back fat, love handles, and bingo wings.
Then, through my cousin, I met an Olympic coach who specialized in nutrition and sports therapy. He asked me what I was eating and he was in total shock that I could even gain muscle as a natural bodybuilder eating as little as I was eating and what I was eating. He did a few tests for me and found I was very estrogen dominant, my cortisol was through the roof, my testosterone was low, my androgens were low, and my insulin was too high. He suggested I get on a high fat, high protein, low carb diet as soon as possible if I was serious about competing.
I was terrified but I did what he said. I ate steaks, which I didn’t enjoy the taste of the fat on at first, chicken wings, dressings on my salads, whole eggs…oh my gosh, no! I ate tons of vegetables, heavy cream in my coffee, cheese, cheese, and more cheese. I kept cereals out of my house, and peanut butter, any of my “trigger foods”. My husband still had his bread for sandwiches though, and chips, cookies, etc., which I would then get into from time to time…and regret it…and purge…and feel like shit all over again. Things were not perfect but they were better and I knew it had something to do with avoiding carbohydrate foods and processed things. Low-carb eating gave me the gains I needed and, through modification of fat and calorie intake, removing dairy and all processed foods, of course, in contest preparation, took me to a 3rd place finish in lightweight bodybuilding, at Canadian Nationals in
2010.
I decided to tell my husband everything. It did not go well. He just didn’t know how to take it and I had been lying for years. But then we were okay, he said he was scared and that’s why he reacted the way he did. Then I started seeing a psychologist. He was really good for me and I liked the fact that he said if my new style of eating was working then I must have figured out how to help myself in that manner and just had to dig to find the underlying reason it started. I should have stayed with him but after some time he referred me to a woman who “specializes” in eating disorders.
The fun begins….I need to find other things to do than eat. I need to stop being “afraid of carbs”. I need to eat “normally”. I need to make an “activity box” to stay busy. I have to buy a special cookbook with “meals that meet Canada Food Guide guidelines”. Meals were to be from 3 food groups and snacks from 2 food groups. So if my “snack” was (get this…) “a handful of chips and a pickle” that’s okay. OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT??
The “medical community” has NOT failed us?
If limiting carbohydrates and eating a ton of fat has completely turned around my mood, balanced my hormones, cleared my skin, made me happier, improved my cholesterol, why is it “bad”?
The symptoms of the eating disorder only got worse around the visits with this psychologist. I disliked her very much and was very angry. The last straw was when she suggested I go on the pill for 3 months at a time, or use the patch, so I only get a period once every 3 months, since that’s when I have the hardest time dealing with food; I refuse to go back to that “professional”.
My friend, Jenn, who worked at my gym, suggested I check out Robb Wolf and Mark’s Daily Apple. She listened to me and believed what I “discovered” about myself and my eating habits and said that Paleo could help me even further by eliminating artificial and inflammatory foods from my diet. Honestly, I know it will be my answer.
I say “will be” because I have had a very hard time getting rid of artificial sweeteners, kicking my dairy habit, and getting to bed on time. My sweetener is in my coffee, as is my cream, and I still use artificially sweetened whey protein powder. Cheese is always in my fridge. As long as I stick to strict Paleo though, I have no cravings, I don’t get hungry, I feel satisfied, I sleep better, I am happy and positive, I think clearly, my body stays lean without thinking about it, I have energy for workouts and a hard physical job, the list goes on and on. Best of all, I don’t binge and purge and constantly obsess about food. The “magic” of the low-carbohydrate eating style does just as Stuart, the Olympic coach I talked to, said it would; I gain muscle quite quickly, I have a lean midsection, no bingo wings, far less back fat, it’s amazing, and no calorie counting.
Fruit and I still do not get along. I have a very hard time limiting it…think “entire bag of grapes, then 3 bananas, then more if it’s available”. Then I crave anything sweet for days. I have to be very careful with baking I make from coconut or almond flour, putting the brakes on nut consumption, and nut butters, there’s no way I can have honey in the house. For the past month I have been dealing with the occasional binge eating (often including things like yogurt or bread even) but have avoided purging. Boo for weight gain, yay for huge accomplishments otherwise. Somehow I am learning to forgive myself or not dwell on the negatives of over-eating so much.
This sounds like 100% strict compliance is needed for me to fully recover, and thanks to the accountability I now owe everyone, and myself, I will start. Brain chemistry? Hormones? What is it that the food so affects that I “go crazy” and can’t control myself when I eat “foods” that we were never designed to eat? My (former) psychologist and my doctor both deny that there is any correlation between what I eat and how I respond to it, in terms of binge-purge cycles. It MUST be in my head because I am “afraid of carbs”.
I just want to know if anyone has had a similar response to changing their eating and lifestyle patterns. What do you find is the most help when it comes to staying “on-track”? I also want to let you know (this sounds so clichéd) that you are not alone, you should not hide, no matter how ashamed you are, talk to someone, and do your own research if the medical community leaves you feeling like it is your fault. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be happy, healthy, and look after yourself the best you can. Stand up for what you believe.
There is so much more I want to say but I will leave it at this and thank Robb for all of his work he does and for sharing his knowledge with everyone, inspiring me, and improving the health of so many people.
Amy,
I found myself nodding along with your story. I too have deep rooted food ‘issues’. I’ve struggled with my weight for almost all of my life. I’ve been nearly 330lb at my heaviest and around 120lb at my lightest. A period of time that I ate 1 apple and 1 tin of tuna per day.
I too cannot stop myself. If I open a bag of crisps (chips to you US folks) then I have to finish them even if I feel physically sick. I love sweet things. I could eat a whole tub of ice-cream and then follow that with a family bag of peanut M&Ms. I can finish a family box of cereal in a day or two. I literally finish a bowl and pour another.
Over a period of a few years, I ran off a lot of weight and ate high carb / low fat. Then I switched to high protein, low fat but never really got the results I wanted. I always found a way to hit the self destruct button. It’s hard to tell a food addict to eat — but only eat a little. I did the zone and gorged on bagels and cream cheese. The weight came off, but the addiction still remained.
Last year, I found Robb Wolf’s site and Mark’s Daily Apple and set about “going paleo”. For a few weeks it was OK but the depression and low energy kicked in and I came off it. I tried Mark’s approach and allowed myself cheese and cream. The addict inside found a way to abuse that. I started having a dash of cream in my coffee but a few weeks later, I was eating bowls and bowls of berries slathered in heavy cream.
More recently, I did the Whole 30 – a very strict paleo approach and did fairly well. Completely eliminating sugars and dairy had a better affect on me. If I deny myself those things and remain strict, I can do fairly well. But again, the addict tries to abuse it. A portion of fruit a day becomes a few. And then berries and coconut milk at night. And then lara bars. And then I’m tearing through the cupboards in a frenzy looking for the last box of raisins I know are in there somewhere like a junkie looking for a fix.
I completed the Whole 30 and then threw myself off the rails for a week. I’m about to start another but this time I want to completely eliminate fruit. I can’t do sweet in moderation. It’s all or nothing. It’s a constant battle.
Addiction is addiction.
Keep fighting! There can be a time when the addiction is at least ‘quieter’. To some degree the addiction will always be with you – just remember YOU are in the driver’s seat. The mind is strong – but ultimately you are in control. You can do it! Hang in there and let me know if I can help you in any way!
Thanks Amy! I’ve been ‘fighting’ for about 5 years now. My weight fluctuates between 200-220. I loved Robb’s book and it flicked the switch for me. I don’t expect to undo 30 years of bad habits in a few months. When I go off the rails, I can climb back on with renewed vigour.
I think you’re right, though, too much emphasis is put on ‘beating’ addiction. I think that, for me, it’s something I’ll live with my entire life. That’s OK though. I can deal with that.
Certainly, the paleo approach has been very successful for me. I try and vary what I eat and avoid paleo versions of junk food. It’s easy to take a banana and blend it with coconut milk and a dash of cocoa and pretend it’s a health food. It might be OK for my body, but not for my mind.
Thanks again for the reply.
Great post and great reply. So much I identify with, for so long I have been beating myself up over a lack of willpower but now I FINALLY realise how addictive sugar (even in the form of fruit) can be, same with wheat. So now I have quit after some horrendous binges. Stay strong and paleo is such a blessing for our bodies and minds.
Dear MWM,
Thank you for your response. Amy is right, you are ultimately the one that decides how you will react in the hardest times of trial. The more often you avoid the binge the easier it becomes. I will always be “in recovery”, the same as a recovering alcoholic will always be in recovery. It will come. You WILL have more good days than bad days. The only thing I have found I can do is just not buy what I don’t want to eat. If I go to someone’s house (ie. last night) and they are having Thanksgiving dinner followed by Birthday cake, I load up on salad, veg. and turkey, a couple pieces of roasted yam and by the time dessert rolls around I still have vegetables on my plate with no room for cake. While everyone else was eating taco chips with salsa playing games later, I was still finishing off my kohlrabi and carrot sticks with guacamole. Am I deprived? No. Do I feel sad because I didn’t have cake and ice cream? No. I am proud of myself for having the first Thanksgiving dinner in years that I haven’t felt guilty for purging after. I used to worry that I would offend someone if I declined dessert or cookies with tea time. My health and mental well-being is more important than hurting someone’s feelings over a stupid cookie.
Rejoice in your successes and times you have incredible strength over your eating. Positivity feeds positivity and the new positive pathways you will create in your brain will help to “redirect” the old pathways. Be strong and be willing to forgive yourself if you do slip up, M! One foot in front of the other!
Take care, Myra.
Thanks for the reply Myra. Your story (sorry for incorrectly crediting Amy!) is very inspirational and your pictures are amazing. It’s reassuring to know that what I feel and experience is actually fairly common.
Your drive and determination will be motivation for me.
I do fairly well with strict paleo. I’ve completely eliminated sugar (including minute amounts in sauces, etc), grains and dairy and it’s been very good for me. I didn’t cheat once and the cravings subside. What is difficult for me is the “what’s next”. I can’t have contraband in the house. A lot of people buy a large bar of dark chocolate and eat a piece now and again. I can’t do that. If it’s in the house, I’ll eat square after square until it’s gone. That’s OK, though. I’ll just not buy it in the first place.
Eating out is something we do as a family often and I’ve had countless pieces of steak with salad despite the tedium. I maintain that eating out is about the company and not just the food.
Like you, I believe I’ll always be in ‘recovery’. The funny thing is that I quit smoking six years ago on my first go and I’ve not craved a cigarette in almost all that time. I think the difference is that if I had to have one puff a day to stay alive then I wouldn’t have been so successful in quitting.
I do remain positive, though! I love the paleo ethos and community and I love cooking.
Thanks again for the reply, I appreciate it.
Myra, I know exactly what you mean about eating to keep from hurting someone’s feelings. Not long after starting Paleo I helped a co-worker with a project. As a thank you gift he bought me what folks around here know as a Humphrey Yogurt – pure deliciousness. Frozen plain yogurt topped with fruits, granola and honey . . . I declined. He had driven 20 miles with the frozen treat and expected me to be tickled . . . I offered to place it in the freezer so that he could take it home to his wife. It was not easy for me, and while I knew it would taste wonderful, I also knew I’d be eating it to make him feel good and I decided that was not a good reason. I did try to explain about my diet, but this wheat-bellied man just stared at me and asked if I was diabetic (I am naturally thin, so I’m clearly not trying to loose weight) . . . I said no, and I don’t want to be 🙂
Good response. I wish people didn’t need a reason for you choosing to not eat something. I don’t ask people why they do chose to eat that kind of thing. Thank you for your reply.
Amy, thank you SO much for sharing your story. I’ve struggled with food addiction (largely bingeing and then purging with excessive exercise) for years, and finally decided to admit it and work towards health about a year ago. I kept going through waves of “being better,” followed by nights of eating a whole large pizza and breadsticks.
Then about a month ago I stumbled upon the Paleo community via Mark’s Daily Apple and this blog and, after reading a LOT, decided to give it a shot. I am now 20 days into my personal 30-day-challenge and for the first time that I can remember, I don’t have cravings, I don’t eat when I’m not hungry, I’m sleeping and feeling well. Like you, I’m pretty sure strict compliance will be necessary… I’m just still in awe that friends ordered pizza last night and I didn’t touch any of it.
I find that being open with my closest friends about this helps immensely – having a few choice people to blabber at about how I’m doing and feeling provides both support and accountability, and I’d say that it’s a crucial part of the process.
Thank you again so much for sharing and opening the conversation. It means the world.
Great story Kathryn! Keep up the positive changes!
Kathryn, nice! You’re right, it totally helps to be able to talk about it. That being said I was terrified to actually hit “send” after I typed out my story. I hadn’t previously shared what I go through with many people. There were times I thought “it would be more acceptable to be an alcoholic than to have a food addiction”. To some degree I believe that still but I also believe that food issues are WAY more common than anyone would ever think. I have found that most people I talk to about it either do or have suffered with disordered eating in some form or another or know someone else who does. I’m not saying we need to normalize it. I’m saying society needs to start looking at these disorders with more compassion and less humour or criticism. Maybe people wouldn’t be so ashamed to seek help then. Thanks for opening up too and just keep truckin’. 🙂
Amy,
Great article and perfect timing. My daughter wants to do a science project using mice. Feeding one group a high carb diet (breads, pastas, cereals, etc) and the other group a paleo-style diet (meat, veggies, lots of fat). She wants to see which group of mice get “fat”. Not even sure how she will go about doing this, but I thought I would ask if you had any suggestions on whether this would be a good project for her to enter and whether there would be discernable data to be gathered!
Maria,
That sounds like a fun experiment. I would guess that the data will show a difference. Another thing to measure might be energy of the mice – activity levels, and maybe have them complete a maze and see which group is the most ‘mentally sharp’???
Amy – I like that! Awesome – will let her know. Thnx!
I have to disagree with this as a potential project. As Tom Naughton points out time and again, I don’t care how a mouse performs on one diet versus another, unless it’s a diet that mice would eat. Not too many mice eat human-like diets, as they’re herbivores in nature. So, feeding a mouse meat is only going to skew your data.
Nice attempt, though! Maybe instead of mice, you can convince your daughter’s friends to sign up. Give 1/2 of them pizza for 3 weeks straight and the other half Paleo friendly foods and see how their grades and behaviors are affected.
Great feedback here, I appreciate it! We would LOVE to have human test subjects, but she suspects (and is probably right) no one will be eager to do that type of test. Looks like she’s going to think of another project that includes nutrition. Sigh. Thanks again!!
Neat! I love self-directed experiments. Why let the eggheads have all the fun? 🙂
One thought to consider: The mice might not be the best choice of animals, though I understand why you’d want to do that–mice are cheap, small, and easy to maintain. Mice metabolism is a fair bit different from ours, they’re not even close to an apex predator, like us. They are scavengers, they eat wild grain seeds in the raw and might actually do well on a high-carb diet! Then your study results would just bum you out, and wouldn’t really generalize well to humans.
You might want to check into the Price-Pottinger cat study. Cats have historically given us good data on nutritional effects, they have similar, though not identical metabolism, they’re predators like us. Cats are cheap too, though you’ll need some room to conduct an experiment like this, and you’ll need to figure out what to do with them when the experiment is over, unless you do some kind of long-term experiment like the Price-Pottinger study.
You could look at something like agreeableness–counting the number of times a cat would allow itself to be petted, versus running away, out of 100 attempts. One group gets meat & veggies, the other group gets wheat/corn/soy based commercial cat food.
Myra,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was also nodding along, especially about peanut butter and toast being trigger foods.
Here’s what helps me stay “on-track”– Remind yourself daily about your commitment to health and happiness. You have made a conscious decision to live free from addiction, but show yourself compassion. Revel in the variety and color in your diet. I feel liberated when I focus on the quality rather than quantity. To me, the focus on food procurement, preparation and enjoyment is simple and satisfying. When I got sober 13 years ago, I had to learn to find joy in life’s everyday endeavors.
I think you could find reading this book helpful. I certainly have — “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power” by Brené Brown. Personally, I am so grateful I was introduced to the work of Robb Wolf and Brené Brown by Krista Scott-Dixon on Stumptuous.com. Best of luck. You are NOT alone.
Patti
Patti, thank you so much. I can’t wait to get this book! Take care.
Wow! Thanks so much for your honesty. I am with you on not touching carbs they just set me down a spiral of overeating. I am older so I thought it was just age with the hot flashes but if I eat carbs I am wide awake about 3 am. To keep me on track, I am writing a blog because reporting on whether I am losing weight or not in a public setting is the only thing that keeps me honest during the week with myself.
Thanks again for your post its very inspirational.
-PJ
Hi PJ, I have thought about blogging as well. Sometimes I think “I’m not very interesting so who would read it anyways?” Then I likely would quit writing regularly. I love reading blogs though. I don’t even watch TV, I just in front of the computer. I learn a lot from other people and enjoy hearing about how their day goes, etc. Man, the hot flashes…..night sweats were beyond belief! It’s so awesome that you made the connection. Thanks for sharing.
I will look around but this also seems like a great place to ask- splenda in the litature seems very safe…but apparently it is a major trigger for eating more sweet things, correct?
Coming from someone who due to obsession with athletic pursuits and the body needed for success- I chewed and spit and binged for 8 years and has stopped now for 6 months (I still overeat occasionally, but it is not near what it once was) – I think paleo is a big part of the answer to any eating disorder as is a certain level of calmness we need to bring into our lives starting with our thoughts. I saw a CW psychologist too who gave me all those tips and looking back on it what a crock of shit and waste of time! My best tip just in hopes of contributing something of benefit here aside from eating paleo- Accept the fact that certain things in life are going to be hard and that is ok. It is ok to feel pain, and struggle. Do not escape them. Embrace them. Just like taste buds adapting to new flavors and muscles to higher levels of tension and trauma, we as people can adapt to higher levels of living- we dont need food as an escape mechanism.
You’re right, Mat. Who says we have to be strong all the time and not feel hurt or emotion or enjoy a happy situation for what it is? You’re totally right. So why did I chose for so long to treat myself in such a way that I would just go numb for, sometimes, hours at a time? Thank you for this outlook and approach. I appreciate your words.
I’m a 27 yo male and I’ve had my own batlle with eating disorders too. All started when I was 16 years old first with anorexia and then bulimia. Both conditions took turns and mixed with each other until I was about 26. I tried to eat as everyone instructed me to and ended up failing time after time. I did chronic cardio, weights, no sleep. My testosterone levels must have been super low. Lots of theraphy which eventually helped a bit to understand myself better.
I tried to eat normally, grains and stuff and ended up gaining weight. Then first got into low carb and now paleo. And this has been awesome! First time in my life I can pretty much control how much I eat and keep my wheight stable. I don’t have to feel hunger and I’m not afraid of carbs/fat because I know they are good for me when I eat the paleo style. I’m getting more muscle, I sleep better and I feel myself super healthy. I only wish I would have found paleo earlier.
I have wondered if there are people who found cure for ed by going paleo and I guess there are. 🙂
Hi Jake. I’m happy to hear about your positive results with your new lifestyle. Hearing you say “eat as everyone instructed you to and failing time after time” made me think that, just by your wording, you are a people pleaser and do a lot of things for other people. You likely were eating as others instructed more for their peace of mind than yours even though you could see it wasn’t working for you. I hope that in gaining strength and power over the eating disorder you also have gained the strength to say “no” once in a while and look out for yourself as much as you do others.
I too have had plenty of bad experiences with binge and purge eating…
It all started innocently enough, about 2 years ago I decided to lose some weight, having not really paid much attention to health/wellness before and was slowly getting chubby. I did a “typical” (that means uninformed) diet that dropped calories, upped veggies and whole grains, and lowered fats and meat. It was meticulously weighed and measured to be 1500cal (note that I am a 6’0″ medium built male) and I think mostly because of that I was able to successfully lose weight and went from 200lb to 165lb in about 3 months. Exercise was high intensity intervals on a bike twice a week.
Then came summer and I went home (I’m in college) and decided that since the whole no meat, high veggie/grain thing worked I’ll keep at it and go one step further… I became a vegan (still painful to admit). I was a fat-a-phob and would make sure that all my meals were as fat-free as possible. Breakfast would be a smoothie with veggies and fruit, lunch was rice or pasta with veggies, and dinner was similar to lunch with some tofu or beans. I also decided that I wanted to lose more weight so I stayed at 1500cal, did HIIT bike sprints everyday, and worked full-time as a dishwasher, which required contestant lifting, moving, etc… a rather physical job.
Because of all of this I was constantly cold (it was summer!), depressed, and my blood work was miserable. Some how my cholesterol was good but my thyroid level was 12… note that the reference range is like 90-180 or something like that. At the end of the summer I was 135lb.
I then returned to college and the entire year was filled with high carb binges on the weekend where I would literally stuff myself for 12hrs straight Saturday and Sunday (the restaurant I worked at always had food around and it was all processed garbage) and then I would starve myself on the weekdays. A good weekday was when I ate 1200cal and burned 2-4000cal at the gym (running 18 miles, heavy lifting, and climbing sprints were a common daily routine). That lasted for about 6 months. Because of all the activity I did I somehow manged to only gain about 30lbs, and that was mostly lost muscle.
Spring time of that year (2011) I started getting fat… I was burned out, I couldn’t do what I did at the gym anymore and the bingeing got to be almost daily which is when I started purging. That lasted about 2 months which is when I decided to stop kidding myself… I quit my job and got a desk job elsewhere.
I found myself researching diets and trying them with little success until I found Tim Ferris’s diet which helped control the bingeing to once a week, but that lead me to just daydream about that day all week and never be able to truly enjoy the moment I was actually in. Monkeying around with that diet lead me to a low carb version which lead me to Mark’s Daily Apple and then to Amazon to buy Mark’s book, but in my excitement I accidentally bought Robb’s book instead. And what an accident! Read that book in a day and have been reading and learning like mad ever since.
The entire two-ish year ordeal lead me to choose a major (finally) and I am now studying to be an RD and hope to help other people like myself.
I owe not just my good health but my entire life to people like Robb Wolf, Mark Sission, Chris Kresser, Michael Eades, and all those who promote true good health.
Great bio, Andy! My heart goes out to you for all your hard work and frustrations that you had in the past. My heart also goes out in relief that you have found a way to tame the obsessive beast. How something that starts out so innocently can become such a pain in the ass is almost unbelievable. Fats are so important for our bodies and brains to function properly. I am so glad that you will be one more doctor that is open to eating real food! All the best in your journey.
Wow Myra…Your text is touching me so much (Please excuse my writing, I am French speaking).
I have been sgruggling with bulimia for almost 4 years now. Usually, this kind of bahavior starts at teen age, but for me it started in my late 20’s (I just turned 32) while obsessing about loosing a few pounds. A started a diet, and then another one, and one day, I couldn’t stand anymore all those restrictions, so I binged…and then purged…
Just like you, it was once a week, or even twice a month at the beginning. I wasn’t making a big deal about it, telling myselg that it was helping me to keep the weight off. I was in school with lots of stress, and I thought it was because of that everything started…Lot of pressure and wanting to be perfect in all aspects of my life.
I almost screwed on one of my trimester because of those behaviors, being obsessed with food and my weight. I was always tired, my sleep was bad, I was avoiding my friends and familly, didn’t want to meet them if food was involded. It was miserable, asking myselg if i was going to be like that all my life.
I saw a couple of therapist, but no one seemed to really get what I was going throught. One of her even told me that I shouldn’t be doing that, because it’s no good for my health…Euh, excuse me, I am paying for you to tell me that? An other told me that diets are not good and that I should be following the Canadian Food’s Guide. I didn’t want to waist another 120$ and my time with that “Eating disorder specialist”. I finally found the most amazing psychologist ever, and we did hypnosis to change some on my behaviors. We couldn’t as much as I would have liked because I had to move city to continue school and externship, but I was in the right direction and decided to stop purging myself.
It took me a long time to understand that the more I would restrict myself, the more frustrated I would become and the bigger the binge would be. It was really hard for me to accept to give up diets. Without a strict plan, I was lost, I would not trust myself. But obviously, it wasn’t working quite well…I also discovered a book named “Maigrir sans régime” (Michelle May wrote “Eat what you love, Love what you eat”), that also helped me a lot to think differently about food, to stop categorize good versus bad food. Well, it did for a while…
I was pretty happy because I was doing so much better. No more purging, but the complulsions were still there…So I packed on the pounds… What began with wanting to lose 5 pounds ended up by adding 25 lbs on my small frame. I was back then at 125 lbs and wasn’t happy! Even on my lowest (120 lbs), I still thought I was too big. How sad. I now look at pictures of me at that time, and I see a thin girl, but also a sad girl…
Because I gained weight, I would come back from time to time to my old habits, wanting to lose weight and checking carefully wnat I put in my mouth. I knew something was wrong with sugar. As soon as I had a little, even from fruits, just like you Myra, I couldn’t stop myself and went wild, even going grocery shopping in the middle of the night to get some sweets in the house (I life myself, so it’s more easier…) Evenings were the worst. I would do just fine day time, and started cravings around bed time.
3 months ago, I heard of paleo. Thinking that might be the good diet for me, I gave it a try. First week was pretty difficult, but I was holding on. To my greatest surprise, I was sleeping better. Actually, I think I never slept properly in my entire life. That’s what a good night sleep feels like?? Wow!! I was in a great shape, lots of energy, more focused, and much less cravings with time.
But I was seeing all this like a diet, a mean to loose weight, again…And felt off the wagon. For an entire week. I binged, some times I purged, and I felt miserable. Not only in my body, but also in my head. I am 32 years old, I just started a great career, I have amazing and supportive friends and familly (a few of them know about my eating desorder, but I don’t always tell when I am strugling. But food is ruinning my health and my love relationships.
I decided food has to stop being the ennemy. I know myself enough, I know that I am gluten intolerant and that I am hurting myself with wheat and also sugar. I am more than a number on the scale (articles from Jason Seib really were an eye opener for me), I want to be healthy, sleep well and have energy. So I went back on the Paleo lyfestyle.
Of course, it is better to be 100% strict. Let’s face it, if I try to be perfect, I’ll feel like a failure if I’m not. I do my best, one day at the time. And I am not doing this to lose weight. I am doing this to be kind on myself, to get my life back. I’ll probably lose some pounds and change body composition. That would be a bonus. But I am not looking forward loosing 10 pounds in the next week. I have to be realistic and give myself some time. If I fall off the wagon again, well, that’s unfortunate, but not the end of the world. I take a look at what brought me there and try not to do it again. I know chocolate and nuts are dangerous foods for me. I don’t buy any, unless i want to treat myself. Then I buy only small amount or I throw it away if I know I’m about to lose it. I know, I know, throwing food away is not what my mother taught, but I’ve learned that my body is not a garbage can. Better be away than in my body!!
When I am about to “cheat” or overeat, I give myself half an hour to drink some water and to ask myself why I want to eat and if I am really hungry. If so, I then make smarter choices because I am calm and take time to think what’s good for my body. Ok, it’s not always the case, but as long as I am making small steps in the right direction, I am happy. At the end of the day, I tell myself how proud I am for doing the right choices. And if I had something I shouldn’t, I just tell myself that I’ll do better the next day…
And it’s not cliché….That helps me a lot to know that I am not alone, thank you very much for sharing your story. And thank’s Robb for all the amazing work you are doing, you are helping so many people, please continue doing so!! 😉
MontrealGirl, your words are so kind and here come the tears. Avoiding the things that cause us to “derail” may not be the ultimate answer but for now it is certainly a HUGE part of it. You’re right, we should eat the things that are good for us and avoid the things that are not. You are also right to say that if we do slip up it is okay. Thanks for your tip for waiting and making a decision about what to eat once you are calm. That makes perfect sense. I also throw things away if I feel I cannot stop eating them. No matter what it cost to buy the food, the value of good health is far greater. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to answer Myra.
You are so strong to share your story and picture to the world, that takes lots of courage.
You might not be perfect, and you don’t need to be to love yourself and give your body all the good it deserves. Even if you are doing great, you’re always have this little part of yourself who’ll stay vulnerable and who’ll trip from time to time. This little part doesn’t define who you truly are. Help it to get up, forgive and go on.
Love from Montreal 🙂
A million thumbs up!!!!
Wow! I almost didnt read this because I saw the picture and thought, well she is already in shape why would this story be relevant to me! I did read it however and I completely relate! I will be 40 soon and since I was a child I have been addicted to sugar, carbs and processed foods. I have lied about food and binged (no purging) for years! My highest weight was 284 lbs. I dont know how I happened upon a diet of protein, fruits and veggies, but I did and I stuck with it religiously. I didnt have a lick of sugar, alcohol, grains etc…I was AMAZED at how easily my weight came off with NO hunger! I was hoping to reach 200 lbs and flew past that easily, I was a little worried as I got lighter but eventually just stopped at 157 lbs…very thin for my 5′ 11″ frame and I stayed there for 6 glorious years without one binge!!!! This was a miracle, I was no longer obsessed by food, I was cured! Then the one thing I had always wanted but also worried about…I became pregnant with twins! Of course I told my OB that I didnt eat carbs and they basically scared me into eating them again (I wasnt aware of all the online resources that were available regarding paleo/low carb high fat for pregnant women at the time) I knew the moment I started that I would fall off the wagon bigtime and I did. I gained 90 lbs throughout my pregnancy, I ate the WORST I had in years and I still feel guilty about what I exposed my unborn daughters to. They will be two this week and I sit at 200 lbs, I have 35 lbs to lose…but more than that I have a life I need to get back, I hate this lying and sneaking food, I hate feeling lethargic and depressed…I know the answer but I keep trying and failing…I need to do this for myself and especially for my daughters. Thank you for your story and also for this website you are doing a wonderful service!
Hey Kristen, thank you for sharing your story as well. It’s easy for me to say “don’t worry, you’ll get there” because I haven’t even been pregnant. As far as I know I can’t get pregnant….but you need to trust that you will get back to feeling great again, believe it. You can. This picture, by the way, is from August, 2010, the day after my Nationals competition so it is by no means how I look in “real life”. I weighed 108 pounds there (I’m only 5’0″). I currently hold a weight that varies between 128-132 pounds. There are times I get thinking about scale numbers again and think “if only I could lose 5 pounds”. Then I have to take some pictures of myself – because the mirror generally lies, and give my head a shake. I still have good muscle definition, I’m lean, my clothes fit, I’m healthy, I’m sleeping better, and I need the strength I have gained from these extra pounds to push more weight in the gym. You DO know the answer. You know all the ins and outs of what you need to do to get feeling better and your body will remember quickly too. I wish you all the best in following YOUR OWN LEAD that you set out before.
Myra,
I really identify with your story. I’ve never really been a purger (other than a few times in my late teens), but I have struggled with binging and trying to eat “normally” since my teens. Similarly to you, the Paleo/Primal lifestyle has really helped me…for the few weeks at a time that I remain in compliance. As soon as I cave in to cookies, ice cream or cake, I can no longer control myself. I’ve proved to myself time and time again that processed carbs “in moderation” doesn’t exist for me. I’ve accepted that I just need to eliminate those completely in order to be completely healthy and at peace. I’ve made myself sick many more times than I’d like to admit by trying to find a healthy approach to eating processed carbs.
Interestingly though, I’m discovering that through this Paleo journey, I’m being more forgiving of myself and not beating myself up as much. I know I can do this. I agree with you though, that 100% compliance is probably key for me as well.
My brother is a recovering drug addict (he’s been sober for 3.5 years) and has also quit smoking. It’s funny, because he’s always been pretty indifferent to food, whereas I’ve never really felt a strong desire for alcohol, cigarettes or other substances. I believe we all have our demons; they just manifest themselves in different ways. (I should really have a heart-to-heart with him and find out how he stays so strong.)
I wish there were some magic words of advice I could give you, but the truth is that I’m still on the same path as you. You sound like a strong person though, and I believe that each day of Paleo-compliance, each day without binging, is a battle won. Each healthy day without SAD food makes the demons weaker and weaker. We can do this! Thank you so much for sharing your story. 🙂
Thanks for allowing Amy to share your story, Myra. It sounds like you’ve come so far on your road to healthy eating! Best wishes for continued success.
Myra,
You posed a question:
“What is it that the food so affects that I “go crazy” and can’t control myself when I eat “foods” that we were never designed to eat? My (former) psychologist and my doctor both deny that there is any correlation between what I eat and how I respond to it, in terms of binge-purge cycles. It MUST be in my head because I am “afraid of carbs”
There is no question that carbohyrates hijack our cravings mechanism. It’s not you, and it’s not in your head. It’s hard-wired physiological, courtesy of the fact that our ancient ancestors didn’t have access to a lot of carbs, but need glucose to run the brain. It’s an evolutionary adaptation that creates efficiency, but with a long-term cost. And that’s just talking about sugar:
http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-willpower-all-about-sugar
We haven’t even gotten into talking about glutens & prolamines. Robb has written & spoken about the opioid effects of gluten.
So physiologically speaking, there’s NO QUESTION it’s harder to stay on track after a few “cheat meals.” People have varying levels of tolerance for eating the bad stuff without totally falling off the wagon, and it appears your tolerance is fairly low, but I’m sure your physiology makes up for it in other ways. It looks like you can maintain lean body mass easily, so there you go.
As you said, a lot of eating disorders are massively compounded by the inability to forgive one’s self and move on after a momentary lapse. If you think about it physiologically, lack of self forgiveness further depletes serotonin and dopamine, which the body rushes to replenish by eating sugar, which quickly (and unsustainably) boosts those mood hormones. A better strategy is to dose up with protein & fat, which also boost those mood hormones in a more adaptive, long-term fashion.
Keep up the great work!
Thank you, Luke. This is all very interesting and I will read up on it tonight after work. Have a great day.
This is great timing for this, I just went through the 30-day meal plan from the Paleo Solution and did really well up to the 3rd week and kind of mis-stepped a bit here and there with nuts and a few extra handfuls of raisins. But then once I was done at the 30 days – this last week I just went on a major food bender.
The cravings are always there, just some more times than others. I feel like I need a plan to follow otherwise it just seems to be okay if I eat a handful of nuts here and some avocado there or an almond flour “paleo” dessert. I feel like it would be hard to follow a plan indefinitely. I tell myself you don’t need this food but eat when I’m not hungry and I end up back in the kitchen trying to find something else to eat. Some times I feel like it is an oral fixation but others just mostly the craving of sweet things. I don’t crave grains/pastas/breads anymore its just the sugar that gets me.
The plan was pretty easy to follow but tend to feel like I was throwing away food. And it was tough to take the time it did and I think that might be why I fell off the boat after the 30 days because I didn’t have a plan afterwords.
It is nice to know that other people have these problems with food. I have never really struggled with weight but I do struggle with eating a lot of food at times but can dial it in for a couple weeks but then go off again for a day or two and feel like crap.
I am so glad to read this. Binge eating has always been my issue. I can eat an amazing amount of food for my size. However sunce I went full paleo in August I’ve found the urge gone. Like Myra, I can only say it must have been related to the foods themselves? I am stumped too and was thinking it was in my head also.
Hi Myra,
I really relate to this story. I’ve dealt with some form of eating disorder (binge, purge, anorexia, overeating) since I was 14. In January, five months after I had my daughter, I just couldn’t seem to lose the (excessive) weight I gained. I’d make a bit of progress being strict with calories or on WW, but only 5 pounds in 5 months (and nursing!). I was desperate, and still battling with binge cycles, and found myself staring at diet pills in Target. Through some epiphany, I turned away. That night I began researching “unconventional” diets as a last try. I came up with low-carb.
I started with South Beath, but hated the reliance on low-fat foods. Then moved on to conventional low-carb, and found that after I started watching my carb intake my cravings went away. One week, then two, then a few would pass without cravings or binges. I can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t had those addictions what the freedom is like! If I did eat more carbs than was good for me I’d go through another binge or two. The cravings would just come back, almost instantaneous to a day or two of higher-carb intake. But getting back on track always alleviated the cravings–totally.
I found Paleo/Primal and call myself Paleo-inspired low-carb. It works for me. I don’t binge, I am losing weight steadily and started on a heavy-weight lifting program that I love. However, even if I never lost another pound, the mental freedom is so liberating that I won’t ever go back to eating a high-carb diet.
Taz, Amanda, Kerri, and Meagan, thank you for commenting. It is amazing how “sticking to the plan” keeps us on track. Eventually the “plan” will just become the way you eat. You won’t over-think it. It won’t be difficult. I would never have believed it when I started but it is so satisfying and so freeing for your mind. Most of the time I don’t think of it, is what I should have said, social events are harder it seems. I just need to keep reminding myself of how I am benefitting myself through eating whole, natural foods and how I will not feel well and not be proud of myself if I end up triggering another cycle of crappy eating and bingeing and purging again. Keep at it, ladies, things will just continue to fall into place. All the best!
Hi Myra,
Thank you deeply for sharing your story. I too have struggled with bulimia for the past five years or so, amidst my undergrad years and now into my master’s study — though it’s been so much better in the past year now that I’ve gone paleo/primal. Everyday is a struggle to stabilize my mood and try to look on the bright side, and fight back against anxiety and fear. I used to binge on an entire loaf of whole wheat bread, fresh from the oven, until I was positively bulging; or lots and lots of baked goods, until I felt sick. I also used to be obsessed about low-fat dieting, chronic cardio (I’ve ran two half-marathons sub-two hours); even turning to veganism at one point for one year. Obviously, nothing worked — they only served to intensify my neurosis with “healthy” living and food control.
Now I am glad to report that after having gone paleo/primal for nearly 8 months, and given up sugar and grains, it has helped a lot. The compulsion, binge and regret/guilt cycle rarely ever hits me now, and I eat full-fat meats, dairy (more of a Primal thing), bacon, eggs, etc. to much dismay of my vegetarian friends (at least they are organic/local/humanely raised, from the farmer’s market!) However I do find myself still constantly thinking about food, what to eat, how to prepare it, etc. — paleo food being so focused on quality, good home-cooking.
But throughout these years I’ve come to the realization that whenever I am busying myself planning meals, obsessing over macronutrient contents, reading health blogs, buying food at markets, and cooking and cleaning — which all take up quite a significant portion of my day — I am quite literally trying to distract myself from all the problems in my life. I realized this because the prospect of intermittent fasting – going for 16+ hours without eating – is terrifying, not because of the anticipated hunger, but because of the prospect of having 16+ pure & unadulterated hours of my own life unfold, dedicated to doing “life” things that a normal 24 year old young woman should be doing – reading, studying, writing up essays for school, going for a walk, cleaning, painting, exercising, socializing – etc etc. All these activities present an opportunity for my anxieties, insecurities, and fears to crop up; and without food or mindless TV, well, what else am I supposed to focus on in order to keep these feelings at bay?
Once I realized that obsessing over what I eat, exercise, binge and purge is a means to distract myself from having to fully confront what I’ve been avoiding, I’ve been trying to do just that… Every time I feel the crushing anxiety, the voice in my head telling me that I will not succeed in my endeavors/I will be alone/I will never be happy again/my efforts are in vain etc etc., I try to tell myself vocally in my head that NO, I will be just fine — that I will finish my master’s thesis successfully, that I will find rewarding career, make my parents proud, and create fulfilling relationships. Doesn’t matter if I’m not fully convinced when saying these things in my head – the simple act of vocalizing them actually helps. A lot. It’s a matter of repeating it before it eventually becomes internalized. And attempting intermittent fasting has also tremendously helped me with re-discovering the hobbies and life activities that I used to enjoy. Well, I can’t quite do 16 hours yet, but giving up food for longer than 5-6 hours has helped me to find other avenues of releasing serotonin.
Now I have eased up enormously — I no longer have to obsessively plan out every meal, go to the supermarket regularly, or feel guilty about missing a workout, in order to prevent binging & purging. I will just do what I’d feel happy to be doing in a day, whether that’s going for a walk, for yoga, or meeting with a friend for an impromptu (paleo as much as possible) meal. I do feel more liberated with each passing day.
Well, I guess that was a convoluted way of saying what a lot of ED’ed people already know — that ED is a manifestation of emotional imbalances. But the above method has helped me immensely in improving my overall mood and help me from binging and purging. Also, as mentioned in the board here, not having “trigger” foods at home; taking cod liver oil for vitamin D; and going to bed and waking up at the same time every day have also probably helped a lot, too.
But thank you Myra, and all the others on the message board who have shared your stories. It is tremendously cathartic for me to write this and to post this up, because I am no longer too ashamed to share my own story. Good luck Myra and to all others — and know that going paleo is one of the first great steps to beating the addiction.
Cheers 🙂
Myra,
I read every word of your struggle to recover. I am a dietitian who used to work as an eating disorder dietitian. I can identify with your life struggles. I personally struggled with anorexia prior to becoming educated with my bachelor of science and passing the RD exam. In the last year I was made aware of the Paleo diet then the Paleo Solution (for “formal education”). I heard personal testimonies of what a paleo life had done for a few friends and they were nothing less than amazing. I then decided to dive in to the paleo lifestyle because I LOVED what I read. I immediately felt better. My GI system was mcih improved…which days a LOT for my family GI system. For a year I have been sold on Paleo and have been doing my best to follow the lifestyle and spread the word.
Just a few weeks ago have I followed 100%. My body has changed immensely. Gone from fit to toned/thin. My energy is amazing. I really do love how paleo has fueled my body. As an RD, I am more than frustrated with my education because I was made to believe whole grains and lactose products were supreme. What do I discover…my education was funded by governmental programs that love self profit! My education that my family spent so much for was funded by government agricultural programs!!!
Bottom line: read Paleo Diet, Paleo Solution, Paleo Comfort Foods, and Wheat Belly
What kills me is that I was a RD at an ED rehab facility that taught all patients to refers with an American standard diet. I should have known that a Paleo approach would have created a safer refeeding procedure, enhanced rehab experience and overal improved quality of life.
I can completely relate with your frustration as an RD and the recommendations that we’ve made to patients and clients prior to becoming paleo or when our jobs count on what we say. On the plus side more and more RD’s are starting to ‘come around’ and support the ‘real food’/paleo movement! Baby steps – but we’re going to get there eventually!
I also can relate. I was at 303 lbs at my highest and got to about 200 by following a standard diet. I then was introduced to Crossfit and paleo (paleo-ish for me) and was able to lose an additional 50 lbs. I have never been this size, weight or level of fitness even in high school. It’s pretty special to finally be “normal” at age 46.
I still have to watch calories which I know is not recommended in a paleo diet. I am still “retraining my appetite” and can easily overeat (binge) without some thought and planning. I let some of the paleo baked goods/treats into my diet and have found it to be a mistake. It definitely triggers binging. Fortunately, I don’t have that issue with fruit and can limit myself. So that is my dessert of choice.
People that know how I eat perceive it to be very limiting. I find it very satisfying and such a relief to not have to worry about binging and gaining weight if I stick to real, nutritious foods.
Wow. Thanks so much for sharing this reality. This will help me deal with my similar reality.
So glad you posted this, Myra. You already know that my story is similar. I really do feel that the eating disorder mentality will never truly leave us, but the sting definitely decreases over time…
Stay strong. -Mariah
These stories are all so awesome and inspiring. I can honestly say that I’ve not had any cravings for the bad stuff in the month that I’ve been doing strict paleo. I’m 48, female, 5’3 on on January 1 weighed 229lbs. I started low carbing then, did ok, lost about 30 pounds in 6 months. But then in June I stumbled upon the Paleo Solution. It all made so much sense to me. I now weigh 170 and the weight is just melting off of me. I find that, for me, fruit is just a no-no right now because it does cause sweet cravings. So I just don’t do it. I’m never hungry, my workouts are varied in intensity, duration, type, etc, but my energy levels are through the roof and I sleep like a baby. Much different than 3 months ago for sure. I’m never going back. This is a lifestyle, not a diet, and I love it!
This is amazing to read. I have been bulimic for the last 8 years, and following a mostly paleo diet has given me the most amazing feeling of freedom.
The advice that doctors give is so messed up. Saying “you should eat some carbs, you should eat like a normal person.” is like saying to an alcoholic “you should have one beer, like a normal person.”
When it comes to sugar and bread I am not normal. I cannot eat those things in moderation. Telling me to have toast with my eggs in the morning is not helpful advice. Carbs trigger cravings, which trigger bingeing, which triggers purging (for me). I can’t just eat some oatmeal and be fine. But if I eat protein and fat for breakfast, I am full. If I don’t eat sweet things, I don’t crave sweet things. I can have a bit of fruit in the evening, but that’s it.
I am not 100% paleo, I do have cream in my coffee (I’m sorry, I will never give that up!). I know (for me) that further restricting my diet by doing something like the Whole30 is extremely triggering and would end badly. I have been eating paleoish for about a month, and have not binged and purged once in that time.
The freedom I feel from giving up grains and sugar is amazing.
Also, bulimia can feel like something so shameful, and I know how it is to keep that secret from everyone around you. It is very brave of you to speak about it here.
I feel like the diet I am following is not only helping to heal my body from the ravages of repeated purging over eight years, but it is also helping to heal the way I view and feel about food.
Myra,
As I read your story I felt as if I was reading my own BIO. Please excuse any typos. I am currently working a midnight shift and the lack of sleep is catching up on me. Having struggled with eating disorders since my early adolescence (I just now turned 33) I can completely relate to you. I was heavy child all of my life and began puberty at an early age. I started a strict diet when I about 12 years old and immediately lost 30 pounds as well as my menstruation. The gratification I felt at the time was overwhelming. I was no longer the brunt of all the jokes and for once I had control over something in my life. Calorie restriction and vigorous exercise followed me from that point on.
I began to gain weight in high school and began to panic at my lack of control. This is where my battle of bulimia became full throttle. I regained my menstrual cycle at this point and the doctors were happy with my heavier weight so my family backed off the eating disorder patrol.
My struggle haunted me for many years following. I could not and cannot say okay to just one donut or bagel. Despite my habits and affair with food, my blood work and annual physicals told a different story. I fooled everyone into thinking I was this young, vibrant, athletic girl. Some of my friends knew about the habits that haunted my life but for the most part I hid it well. My family would amp up the patrols during holidays or stressful events in which I was at my weakest but I became a master of disguise.
I went off of birth control in December of 2009. I had been on it since I was 18. In the spring of 2010, my blood work began to reveal extreme elevations in my liver enzymes and I still did not have a menstrual since ceasing the use of the birth control in December. My diet was flooded with artificial sweeteners (at one point I was ingesting close to 1000 packs of splenda a week). They were in everything I ate. I even at it on ice. My doctor did not believe there was a correlation to the use of any artificial and the extreme elevation in my AST and ALT count but I began to do my own research. The effects of splenda are horrid let alone in the excessive amounts I was using it! I read Jillian Michael’s Metabolism for Life and began to eat clean almost immediately. The enzyme count dropped but being the extremist that I am, I am begun to obsess over my diet in a different way. At least point my body fat was and is about 8-9%.
I started to use Stevia (yes I had to supplement sweet with sweet) and everything that Jillian recommended in every meal. Needless to say it was over kill and at this point in my life, I was working out at intense levels, suffered stress fractures in my foot, and I had just lost my father to suicide. My obgyn was also attempting to stimulate a menstrual with hormones but it did not work and we sought the advice of a fertility specialist. We began to eat Paleo (strict except for the binging purging episodes I would embark on).
Long story short, the cost and effort scared us away from IUI treatments and we attempted to “fix” my body through the care of a nutritionist. She used a hair sample to determine my thyroid and adrenals were in critical condition. I gave her regimen about 4 months. In that time my binging and purging were still in existence. I felt awful. I was bloated despite the elimination of dairy and grains so I eliminated night shades and felt some relief. We also sought another fertility opinion. This time the results were much worse. She ridiculed me for the treatment of the nutritionist and the supplements I was instructed to take. The doctors are now saying I am in premature ovarian failure and stand a good chance I will not be able to have children with my own eggs. This diagnosis resulted in my honesty to my husband about my affair with food. It was hard to be honest. It is such a horrid shameful feeling to be caught up in this cycle. Counseling never helped me. The gateway foods so to speak for me are sweets and breads. I never really thought about fruit but I am going to try to eliminate that next. I love fruit, especially dried fruit.
About weeks prior to my 33rd birthday, I had my husband take me to the doctor for what I knew was extremely low blood pressure. It had been detected that June but I just kept writing all of the symptoms off. I was lightheaded, dizzy, lethargic, and seeing sparkles when I stood up. I passed out a week prior and felt an impending doom. My resting heart rate was 28-30. It rose when I became active but the doctor told me it was not much longer until I passed out behind the wheel of my car or didn’t wake from my sleep.
I received a pace maker that now keeps my resting heart rate at 60. I have been researching countless amounts of hours and everything that has gone wrong with my heart and fertility leads back to eating disorders. I am so angry at myself and disappointed in my lack of strength to stop the vicious cycle. Counseling never helped. I too am a firm believer of controlling the gate way foods.
Thank you so much again for sharing your story. We are in the process of attempting an IVF cycle in December. I am at a loss at what to eat and what not to eat. I have read up on blood type diets and food combining. I really don’t know where to turn now. Your story gives me hope and is an inspiration. Thank you!
Hello Myra,
I am in the same boat as you (almost identical boat). I just failed at an IVF attempt. Have you found your hormones have returned to normal? I am afraid I have done permanent damage to my hormones esp. the reproductive ones. I barely responded to IVF and I am heartbroken.
Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated.